Day 1

2012-01-01T15:16:00.000-08:00

Wow - well December went well. Not. BUT... it has gone a long way in teaching me what is important. I've been very quiet since I broke my stupid ankle, but I've been thinking and feeling and learning and growing. If I'm loved, the person that walked out on me last night (again) will still offer to help me. I mean, I know he won't. No-one ever tells anyone to 'act up' so they spend another night in hospital... they say, I love you, I'll be there for you. I wonder who she was / is. The reason he looks so tired. The reason he couldn't care if I eat or not. The reason he's happy to accept my parents' hospitality, but make plans for Christmas way back in September... without considering me or them.

Last year he didn't buy me anything (cheap champagne and a book)... made up a pack of lies, and was (presumably/hopefully) rather embarrassed when I bought him the £140 watch he'd been showing off about. He didn't get me anything for my birthday either. A week after that, I was given an expensive camera I didn't want or need. His son, spawn as I fondly call him, had his birthday in December, so I guess that's why. Just say though, innit?

This year? I told him exactly what I wanted. A No 7 set from Boots. He bought me one... the one they sell off half price every year, just before Christmas. I had one two years ago. HE didn't think much of me either. I didn't get the one I ACTUALLY wanted.... seemed awful to buy it, when I was hoping he'd get it for me.

And it's all my fault. I'm evil, self centred, and every bad thing you can ever think about someone. So why be with me? How come the only people in the universe who think I'm evil, are his ex wife and his mother? If you loved someone, if you had an ounce of humanity in your soul, would you honestly walk out on someone who needed you help so much? I suspect you would (we all have to do what we do) but I think we'd make sure they were okay. We'll see what happens.